Justification
by Shhh-Its-An-Alias
Summary: I just want to know why I feel all this stuff, and stop trying to justify feeling human emotions I've never felt before. This is my diary and it has all my secrets. Parker/Tara rating subject to change.


This is Parkers diary, if you don't like lesbians I suggest you turn back now because I pretty much fill my imaginary world with them, my imaginary world now encompasses leverage (sorry about that) this is my first leverage fic so go easy :P

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I've never been too good at talking to people or understanding feelings, I've heard loads of people blame my past and how I was raised and stuff. Truth is, I'm just broken, I'm not like normal people and I don't really make friends or care about people. Didn't, didn't really make friends with people, that is, before I met the team. You probably already know them but here is how I see them. Nate; plan-maker, genius, but a little too righteous for me, I could never do his job, too much thinking about how other people will react. Sophie; She's always pretty and can lie but even I can see that she can't act, she smells like vanilla and soap. Eliot; the muscles, but not all brainless violence, he can cook pretty well but everyone calls him protective of me, even though Idon't need protecting...most of the time anyway. Hardison; tech guy, knows too much computer mumbo jumbo and not enough about theft or how to pull one off, but if everyone knew how to do my job then I wouldn't have one I guess, he's probably my best friend. That's it for the regular team, but when Sophie ran away for a while we had a different grifter called Tara.

She was something I can't really explain. She was even prettier than Sophie, but in a really different way, she was thin, but a real woman (with yellow hair like me!). This is why I'm no good at explaining my feelings, whenever things get too serious I wander away from them, or run away, or kill them. But I don't want to kill Tara, or go away from her, if anything I want to be closer to her. She smells like spices, It's rich and intoxicating and she can make any man give her what she wants. Her charm works on me too, I know it's not supposed to, it's just for people she's trying to sleep with or when she's getting the mark to trust her. Sometimes I wish I was still on the bad guys side just so maybe she'd whisper in my ear or try to take me down. I like her.

Even when I thought she was an honest lawyer I liked her. I don't like honest people, ever, I can't trust them because they always go and do "the right thing" but it's never the right thing for me. I think she might even be better at her job than Sophie is, which is pretty tough, but Tara is willing to do anything (and I mean anything) to get the job done. I think I like her too much, not the kind of like I feel for other people, I see them the same as the kitten I had when I was a kid that I killed accidently by hanging it, I wasn't sad to see burglar go, but I knew I would miss him a little bit. No, when I thought I would have to kill Tara I actually realised why people cry sometimes when someone dies, because she was so pretty that if she wasn't alive then nothing else could ever be quite that pretty and shiny, you know? You probably don't, most people don't see. But you're not people, you're a diary, and you have to understand because I'm writing you! (so ha!)

People call me crazy all the time, and they call me a thief or a liar, like its an insult, but being called cute or adorable definitely is an insult. It means they see you as a kid, they think kids can't do anything, but I'm not a kid, not anymore. Well maybe on the inside, but still being called adorable isn't what I go for at all. When Tara called me adorable I felt a surge of happiness I think, along with a wiggly feeling in my belly, I actually wanted to smile. I was really confused though, I knew I was supposed to be mad and people tell me that my emotions are never right for the situation so I just stuck with what I usually do. I didn't expect to feel her hand on my shoulder.

I liked that touch, I liked her touching me, it made me feel special, she didn't touch anyone else and I don't let anyone else touch me. Well, Sophie did but that was different, she acts like normal peoples mothers do, not like Tara at all, Tara is something else, she's like a wild animal always ready to pounce.

I like that, I like that she's not like everyone else. I like her too much.

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please review :) they feed my happy place inside my soul, its like a fire and without reviews it will go out and I'll turn into one giant ice cube.


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